Self Doubt

Week three has been rough so far.   To start I ache for my children.   They are doing fine but I miss them.   Been good about not going down that rabbit hole but as my week has been emotional.....it's hard not to want their little arms around me.

Dialog has started off this week with a tremendous case of nerves and self doubt.   You'd think after 8 years of religious practice it wouldn't be so hard.  I literally spent all weekend studying.  We have been divided up into smaller groups of 40.   Each group is guided by a teacher.  My first teacher was Takato.  She is a bit hard and shows no real compassion.   I got up and absolutely froze through back bending and hands to feet pose.   The crowd is not allowed to give cues anymore so the silence was deafening.  I was told to sit down and that I'd have to go again.   After class I totally broke down.   A lovely mom of four stayed with me and gave me all sorts of motivational love.   Again....this group is filled with beautiful souls.   Tonight I regrouped, gathered all the PMA I could and I made it though.   The coach tonight was Jay and he was very sweet.   He said....so you have a lot of self doubt going on.   Yes!   He said throw it all out!   Anyhow....I made it through tonights session tomorrow I have Awkward to do.   Not sure I can sleep to get it down.

Anatomy has also started this week.   They brought a world renown Indian othepedic surgeon in to teach it.   Bengali to be exact.   Very sweet man but pretty much impossible to understand.   And this is not paint by numbers and color anatomy.   It is hard core.   The Yogi crowd is freaking out!   His lecture today was better but it still is omigod mind boggling information.   It isn't like practical basic here are the muscles u use and here is what yoga does for u it .....it is......down to our cellular make up.   I know they dumb down the test but it is fun to watch these yogis go ape.   Frankly my brain is about to explode.

This past weekend one of the 333 rented a scooter to cruise around and got into a terrible crash.  She broke both her legs in four places.   She is lucky to be alive.   Anyhow....off campus journeries are pretty limited now.  

I am happier in my solo room.   At my age....having space is nice.   Having air conditioning is amazing!!!!!

Received the most beautiful letter from Alana.   Our love runs deep for each other.   She shared her love and pride for my personal journey.   Couldn't have come to me on a better day.   Needed it.   Used it to get through my fear today.

It's Friday!

We have almost completed our second week.   It is crazy to think how much yoga we have done.   My practice is improving.   My body is changing.   I have actually lost weight.   I've decided to keep food intake to one plate.   Having a buffet makes that more challenging than it sounds.

So nicknames are a thing here.   It is official.   Mine is Miss Sensational!   I was called out in lecture today because I am changing rooms.   I like my roommate but we have an air flow issue.   She can't have the air conditioning on....I find it a must.  90 degrees and 100% humidity I am not sure how she can take it.   Anyhow....Manalee our director of sorts said....Parvanah please see Nick our accommodations guy.   She looked at me and said....Parvanah is an Indian name....I said I know....but then she smiled and said....ok Miss Sensational......again....crowds laughed and I blush.

Sleep deprivation is another thing at teacher training.  This week has been challenging.   Not only have we had very long late lectures....we have also been plugged into Bikrams movie delight.   He really does not sleep.   We have watched two four hour movies this week.   One went as late as 3:30 am.   And they are Bollywood films.   According to Bikram Indian directors are the best in the world.   9 out of 10 of the best films are Indian.    I have to say the ones we watched were hilarious but Top 10????I don't think so.  Our first one was a love story, very funny.   Amazing musical dance numbers.   I don't remember the name of it.   The second one was Dhoom:2 which was ridiculous.   Bikram is kid like.  He talks all through movie telling u all the stars gossip.   And says things like You are going to loves this.   The hippies in the crowd are dying.   Me who hasn't slept in years is faring better than most.

So we have class tonight followed by lecture.   Then a class tomorrow after which we are off for the weekend.   We all can't wait to sleep.   Posture clinics start next week meaning we have to memorize and deliver the next 25 postures.  But we are delivering them in front of smaller groups and NOT Bikram.   He has left until October 14th.   I think I will miss him a little.   More on that later!

My first pose!

Well you all know I am petrified of public speaking so this experience of teaching half moon was beyond my comfort zone.   My pals Michael and Marta and I sat in the seats to present on Monday.  It took till Tuesday to get to us.   I'd practiced saying it a 100 times.   I hadn't really got to a point where I felt strong but I did think I would make it through it....mostly because the audience prompts you the moment you hesitate.   All three if us where very nervous.   Marta went up and rocked it with her beautiful Italian accent.   Michael flew through his and was asked to slow down a bit but we knew that would happen as he practices at high speed.  I went on the stage with my heart in my throat.   I grabbed the microphone for the first time EVER....and introduced myself.   I was shocked at the sound of my voice in the speakers.   I really liked it.   I began "teaching" my three students on the stage with my back to the 333 and i did well until I got to "you should feel a stretching sensation" and Bikram stopped me.   "Sensation sounds a little sexy".... That word is not there.  The class laughed.  I blushed.  I started again.   Again....got to stretching and added sensation.   Which isn't in the dialog.   He said....ah ah ah.   I think u like the sexy sensation.    I think u should teach private lessons.  You would make so much money.  You have no idea!!!!   So...that was that.  The class was in hysterics.   I was blushing.   My sensational dialog delivered!

Week one complete!

Saturday we have one class in the morning and then we are off for the weekend.   Our morning glass today was brilliant.   So much energy.   So wonderfully only 90 minutes.   After class many of us jumped into the pools and started our free time with a splash!  ;) After breakfast we piled into an open back truck/van and were taken to the Big C.   A local supermarket that was in between Wajamai and Walmart.   No pharmacy so no luck there.   The ride was hot and sweaty and very 3rd country.   And then coming back we were twice as squished with all our groceries on us.   It wasn't as fun as we wanted it to be.   When we got back my new friend Marta and Michael and I went to the beach and swam in the 80 degree ocean.   I have never been in a warmer body of ocean water.   It was fantastic!  Then....I went down the beach and got a Thai massage for $12.  1 hour.   Waves crashing, my body twisting and guilt setting in realizing how fantastic this all is.  Now Marta and Michael are both gay....I think.   Michael teaches Pilate's in Dublin and has a nibble ring.   Marta is from Italy but lives in Dublin and really couldn't be less girly.   I adore them.   We went bowling tonight after dinner and laughed like little kids.   I taught Michael how to bowl and he ended up beating me.   So he is king bowler for the night.   Tomorrow I must spend studying because on Monday I plan to present my dialog in front of Bikram and the 333.   But today I felt human after a very grueling week, you might even say child-like.   It was magical!

You have no idea!!!!!

Bikram says this all the time.   Regardless of his god like self image he really is quite amusing.   He really pours his heart into teaching his students.   He is spending 8 hours a day listening to us deliver the dialog and actively critiquing all of us.  I am going to study hard this weekend and lay my soul up there on the stage next week....earlier rather than later.  Yikes.  And the he teaches the afternoon class.   His class is hilarious and ridiculously long.   Minimum two hours.   I am getting use to it.   He does a lot of teaching demonstrations in the middle of class so there are more breaks......however it is hot as hell.   Still haven't figured out coping with the humidity and....TMI coming.....I have not had a poop yet!    Imagine this......9 ridiculously hard yoga classes....more fluids than you've ever had in your life.....and no poop!   OMG!!!!!!   We are off the the super market tomorrow after class. ...guess what is on my list?????   The people here are wonderful.   So loving and caring.   The energy in classes is hard to explain.   I thought I was going to melt during a class and an angel next to me starting sneaking me ice.   We are packed in the yoga room like sardines....but...sometimes being so close is good.  Your neighbor might touch your hand....which sends u a spark of energy to get through the pose.   Had dinner on the beach tonight with a couple of girls.  We decided to ditch the buffet which is fairly overwhelming.   Think 333 starving stressed out yogis trying to get the nutrition the need.   Its not so zen.   More Lord of the flies.   Anyhow....had a fresh cut coconut on the beach.   It was nice....like beyond.  So yes.....this is crazy hard....but it is in paradise.

Double Days!

I completed my first double day yesterday.   I must say it nearly killed me.   I had a full on panic attack.   It seems hardly fair that the evening classes are run by Bikram and he has no sense of time.   The one that killed us all on the first night was 2 1/2 hours long.   Last nights class was only two hours but he chose to play a 9 minute song after and no one can leave the matt.  It was torture.   Then.....we had a four hour lecture after going till about 12:30.   It was part lecture on the need to eat meat (which our buffet doesn't have enough of) and the other part was people doing there Half Moon presentation in front of him and the 333.  I actually had a bit of a cry in the loo prior to the presentations starting.  i am fairly overwhelmed at the thought of being up there with the mike.  During a break I had a chat with Bikram.  I was able to share my story about how doctors told me I'd never be able to get pregnant and 6 months after starting Bikram's yoga I got pregagnant.   He said "you have NO IDEA how many times I have heard this".   Anyhow I always credit Dante and Stone to my Eagle Pose.  Class this morning was OK.  I managed to do every pose and I didn't sit down at all.  Yeah!  Dreading Bikrams class tonight.   But I am going to make some adjustments to my location in the room and hope for the best!

The Best of the Best Dropping like flies!

Bikram gave his orientation today.  He was dressed in a velvet short sleeve shirt.   Grey slacks.   Velvet shoes with ruby red trim to match his shirt.  The watch on his wrist was made out of rubies and diamonds.  It glittered from a 1000 miles away.  His speech was funny as hell, extremely offensive but also very intelligent.  His God like perception on himself is amazing but his conviction in his practice is why I am here.   I will drink the coolade for now.   Our first class was at 5pm today.   The amazing beautiful bodies around me where intimidating.  I set myself up in the front row because I could.   333 bodies with inches between them was a sight to see.  Oh.....and then there was the heat.  The sweatbox is known for its heat.   It was nothing.   And then 96% humidity.  Holy shit.  I felt strong thru the breathing posture ....that is the first of 26.  After that it was a struggle.   50% of the class could not stand up for Eagle.   This is still considered the warm up.  At the water break I drank an entire nalgen (?) Bottle.   By triangle I was thru my other one.   Anyhow....it was amazing.   Can't wait to see what tomorrow class brings.    We start again at 8:30.   And tomorrow is our first double day!   Holy cow!